It all comes crashing down

What can I really say to make someone understand my life and the constant depression I live with. I blame my career as the main stressor in my life. It's just standard that losing money despite a game like Poker where you play a peer instead of the house. Skill will prevail over basic odds set against you.

I don't plan to play any Poker until the end of this month when I play in The WSOP Main Event (10k buyin.). I won my second attempt at a Satelite for this. So I won my way into the 10k buyin for less than $800. If I make a sick run I will for sure be flying some people out. The odds of this occuring are slim despite my advantage over probably 55% of the field if not more. In big tournaments luck is a major indicator of the winner.

I'm taking a long long break from Chinese Poker. Basically I lost $7,000 playing then lost $3,200 the next night, then won roughly $10,000 the following day and am now basically even. 10k is a lot of money to me and is very foolish to risk this much.

I may sell my enterance to the Main Event and just pocket the 10k in cash as I'm going through a rough patch in my life. I need more structure and balance in my life. I feel living such a "free lifestyle" is actually making me depressed and leaving me with a feeling of worthlessness. It's clear I can win at this game in the long run but short term large flucuations drive me insane. Yesterday I was raised preflop and remember shoving $680.24 in preflop with Q6s out of pure frustration. This is not rational thinking or a winning play in Poker. My emotions get the best of me at times and decrease my bottom line results.

I need to find structure in another form also. I need to grow up and stop hooking up with chicks for a month or two and then growing bored and moving on and rinsing and repeating. This is not mentally healthy. I need to start maybe sacrificing certain things I like in the opposite sex for someone that represents positive qualities that everyone would like to be associated with.

Some changes in my diet will help me to feel better and mix in some exercise and I can begin to look how I want. Maybe with drinking more water and no pop and eating less greasy shit will lead to my acne clearing up some.

I will end this month and state my results for some odd reason. -$16,748.20 which is nausiating and irritating and basically suicidal. I got some great advice from my Mommy today. She said you can't really change the past but you learn from it and change your actions in the future. I have heard this type of saying before in life but sometimes the best answer to a difficult time is to think positive and adjust for the future. I really need to forget about this massive loss, my stress, drinking, and women, and make a good run in July and forget about the flaws that plagued me in June.

I have been told countless times that I'm one of the best up and coming players that play online poker. I'm notorious for playing fear free and willing to play and never sit out when heads up despite who I'm playing. I started sitting at the table with $50 and a few months ago I sat with $10,000 at a 200/400 game which is considered the 3rd largest game spread online. I have had winning days that make me feel like a mythical God with unlimited power, other days I feel like the biggest loser, scum walking the face of the earth. Balancing these two very drastic mindsets is draining and sad on my mind and body. Why do I even play if it makes me that upset? The simple answer is when I play my best and cards go my way the rush and experience I feel is stronger than any drug I have ever taken, more powerful than any liquor that exists, more explosive than ones best orgasam. At that moment in time my mind and body is in a state of peace and tranquility. I don't think about what I'm doing, I don't think about anything. I see whats happening and the outcome before it occurs.

One thing I need to improve is raising more hands and playing more hands. I need to LAG it up some and exit my TAG strategy. I need to find and expand my range more and play poor hands in optimal situations. I also need to perfect and even eliminate my allin bluff. I have been caught bluffing multiple times in spots where I should just check and fold to a bet. Although my bluffs seem perfect to me at the time I must realize that my opponents don't possess the same skills I do. I would be willing to fold in these situations realizing I'm usually beat, they call thinking it's a winning play and the optimal play. The key to being successful in poker and life is to realize where you struggle and what your weakness is and to fix and eliminate that particular weakness. I have also taken some very rough beats (at times getting my money allin as a (93 to 6 percent favorite) This will happen at times but I need to gain a much better control on my emotions and should probably take a break for at least 2 hours to adjust and regain my confidence instead of playing a C level game.