Sometimes I just don't let my guard down

So I'm talking to this bitch I want to fuck today. She drops some bomb about how she wants to study criminal justice. I state how I don't date girls that are studying that or have a close family member that is in the law enforcement field (my God given right not to). She then goes on to state how she wants to be a probation officer. In my eyes probation officers don't help people; they add expensive costs to a middle class minor offender of a law. A kid gets caught with a 20sack of some pot and then needs to enter a chemical dependency class (extracting more money from a kid) who is just being a normal teenager but got pinched. I personally don't see how someone could aspire to make horse shit money and "think they are helping the troubled youth". Needless to say she started to cry (I don't make bitches cry that often). I guess I always pictured myself with someone that aspired to be more successful in life (a lawyer, doctor, high ranking businesswoman). I really don't care what a girl I'm dating decides to do with her life except something idiotic like this. I would never not date a girl because she was a waitress for example. Lawyers, Dr's, investment people, teachers, nurses, pharmacists, dentists, agents, bank tellers, strippers, plumbers, electricians, roofers, etc. ALL help people with a problem. I don't see how a probation officer can really help a person. A person has a sore throat, a Dr. writes a Prescription and in a few days you feel better. You have a whole in your roof and water is dripping in, a roofer fixes the whole and water stops entering your home.

She then made a comment about Poker; "Good luck with your little poker thing" Well this is quite insulting to call it "little" and "thing" Gay people can come out of the closet, black men can date white women, tattoos and piercings are becoming standard and not taboo, Mexicans can enter the U.S. at record numbers, medicine has advanced beyond wildest dreams, a midget, donkey, trans sexual and a horse can enjoy casual sex, a white lacrosse team can be targeted by black leaders in the U.S. after a lying stripper faked a rape, John Travolta can cry openly on Oprah (twice now) but yet I have to keep my guard up and defend what I do. My views on public education are so much lower after explaining hundreds of times what I do, why, and that one can have a mathematical edge by playing a certain style of poker. I'm so fucking tilted and so upset (not only this girl) but so many people lack the common sense to understand that I do work. I work a non traditional job; I will admit that.

People always say don't date someone just like you; why? To find a Pro Poker Player that is female would be a dream. She would share many similar views that are necessary for any relationship to survive. Views on Politics and shit like that are not crucial for a relationship. I'm tired and upset. Blog update over.

A quick update before bed

I had my blood taken yet again, this time by my family doctor who is very worried about high liver enzymes and my cholesterol. She also wants me to get an ultrasound done on my liver. I had one of these when I was 16 and they thought it was from drinking. Add 7 years of hard drinking and substance abuse and living a party lifestyle and your guess is as good as mine about the shape of my liver. I'm going to refrain from any and all alcohol because its clear there is something not right with my body. In my own uneducated opinion (despite 2 years of med. school) feel my liver is having trouble processing the alcohol. I think with a complete absence from drinking my liver enzymes and cholesterol will fall to normal levels (I hope). Kind of scary considering I'm only 23 years old and need a liver to survive. I guess you can say that I'm really taking this serious now. "Keep drinking and your liver will give out at an early age" is a quote my doc. used.

I finished reading The Game by Neil Strauss tonight. Good book and all that. Up about 5 buyins so far this week (Respect, in a Borat voice). Going to try to really rack up some hours in the upcoming weeks and months. It's simple Math really; play poker= make money. Sit on my ass and watch stupid movies on tv and do nothing = no profit (with potential for +lbs). Even the most uneducated Math reader of my blog should be able to understand this basic concept. It's just sick how much studying some do on their poker game and how little I work on mine. I need to start doing more of this to achieve my goal of playing really high stakes. I slept horrible last night and made myself get up at 11:30am to do some running around so off to bed I go in hopes of dreaming.

Brain Activity

Reading is great for the brain. It makes ones own mind think in ways that are different than it normally thinks. I have been reading a book called The Game by Neil Strauss. The book details his adventures from a AFC (average frustrated chump) to becoming the best PUA (pickup artist) in the underground secret society. The book is a tell all of his exploits into this wild world, the book is very very vivid when describing sexual encounters, depression, The Game. Neil Strauss choose the identity and called himself "Style". He mentions countless sexual encounters with girls from business women to blowjobs in bathroom stalls with Pornstars and everything inbetween.

I heard about this book from a online poker player that said it was fantastic and a must read. I ordered the book on Amazon that night and read about 75 pages upon its arrival. I put my reading on hold to enjoy 5 nights of the wildest sex I have ever had in my short 23 breathing years on Earth. Once that relationship ended within a few months I quickly moved on (or should I say back) to girls I have fooled around with before (Cindy- The falling down 30 year old blonde I met outside Wiseguys and fucked within 15 minutes of meeting her) (Lisa- A girl I met in a class at MCC and briefly dated until she cheated and then I fucked her best friend) (Jamie- a girl that I sexed very quickly despite her getting out of a long term relationship, she was an extra bonus to a winning Prop Bet.) So I felt no urge to read the book as interacting socially was never really a problem for me. I wouldn't be too excited to speak to a large audience of say 300 but I don't get nervous before class presentations and generally have no problems approaching a complete stranger.

A few friends of mine actually got to shoot the shit with Neil Strauss last Summer in Las Vegas. He was there promoting his book and they were there to play the WSOP tournaments. They spent about 15 minutes talking to him. I looked at one of the pictures they sent me with Neil and themselves in I believe The Rio in Las Vegas and decided to begin reading and absorbing every bit on knowledge I could from his genius.

This book has made me realize some things that I'm doing wrong in my life and I would venture to say not a single person I know has perfect game although I can think of one that is miles above the rest. When carrying on a conversation with him the way he looks at you is scary. I don't want to mention his name but he is very very good at getting girls. Even kids I know that workout daily and eat perfect don't land the numbers these guys do.

My readings in two days have left we with a few thoughts. The first and most important is that I'm afraid of success. This may sound like bragging but I don't intend it to be but rather explaining how I understand that I'm really afraid of success which is my only true passion in life. I aced two years of Med School and quit, I then decided I would earn a degree in Philosophy and then attend Law School, I'm currently a business major with 1 year left and am scared to graduate College. Of course I could still go on to Law School or earn a Masters in Finance or whatever. I have been searching for ways to avoid the success that is graduating from college with honors. I have turned to Poker as a way to avoid College and embark on a nontraditional way of earing income. Lately I seem to be getting sick of Poker because I have excelled in some of the highest limit holdem games spread online. I have played heads up marathon sessions and won and lost large sums. I'm no master of Poker, even the most respected players in the world have not mastered the game simply because everyday one makes mistakes. I have seen aching for some new idea to takeover and achieve success and I found Poker. I think I'm honestly my toughest opponent to play against. I always say I want to be the guy featured in Poker magazines about "up and coming players" and live in L.A. and enjoy the financial freedom and money and blah blah. At the same time what efforts am I really taking towards achieving this goal? I rarely review hands to see where I made errors or how to improve how I played the hand, I never posted a hand for comments, reviews, discussion about how I played it on a poker forum. I allow my emotions to control my mind and "tilt" (lose money while mad and playing wild) to take me further away from what I say is my goal "success". Do you see what I'm explaining? Every time I get close to something that is "success" I search for another way to spend my time to push myself further away from experiencing the success I dream and hope for. (wow that was one long paragraph)

I dream of what every person seems to want: to live a nice life, not worry about money, have nice things. Whenever I reach a certain point of achieving the success I want I focus my energy elsewhere and avoid it. I hope this comes off as a intelligent 4am blog post and I don't wake up to countless IM's asking me how much Acid I took Friday night lol.

Poker is my passion and I'm going to really focus my energy to improving my game. I will also attempt to find a balance between poker and school. To end this because I want to go to bed; I'm 100% sober, no drugs, no booze, no nothing. I'm not coming down off a crack binge or tripping balls on acid. I realized my fear in life while reading a book about how to girls to spread their legs and my fear is unrelated to Vagina. Respect.

July is here

So far I have played 4,200 hands and am running at 3.75ptbb/hr. I made a gigantic error today costing me a full buyin $400. It was a very very very dumb thing I did and I'm quite upset with myself over it. It was not out of anger I just was not thinking clear, ohh well shit happens. Although today was a losing day I made an OK comeback. I got bluffed out of a monster when I reraised the river with A8 on a 106582 board. He flashed 83 which pissed me off because I had him beat. He shoved, I folded, then he flashed. I guess I put a bad beat on this guy at some point because he then berated me in the chat. I asked him if he wanted to multi table heads up and he left the next hand, obv. too scared to play me. I then got put in a weird spot after raising KJ in the co and the bb called. Flop came AQ4d, turn was the 10d giving me the nuts. I bet the flop hard with nothing, bet the turn hard with the nuts, the river was the 3d, idiot checks, I bet my last $170 and he calls with 9d8d with a flush. I don't really understand his play. It was hard to put him with the ass end of the straight, and then very hard to put him on a flush. I shoved the river for value and think it was a good play with a bad outcome. Very odd plays as of late, people check raising the river with odd shit and all that. I played way too long today and noticed it affect my mood. I think I played OK but just ran into a ton of odd and bad spots with good hands. I'm just going to try to remain calm and play my A game and not let things get to me. I would like to run at 5ptbb/hr this month. 5ptbb/hr means you're a large winner in the games. 3.75ptbb/hr means your a good, winning player in the games.

Thank God June is over

June was another horrible month for me. Lack of play, running bad and making poor decisions have cost me money. Personally I made errors in judgment dating some girls that are crazy. Their actions can't be sane.

July Goals:
1. Play 35,000 hands minimum
2. Play better poker
3. Continue to exercise and eat decent
4. Continue to do well in Math (which is beyond difficult, very hard Math)
5. Be nice and find happiness in life

I decided to keep this post short because I want to get some hours in tonight. I slept until 5:45pm today although I had a horrible night of sleep. It's depressing to awake so late in the day, I don't enjoy like people think I do. Having a serious sleep problem really sucks.

Some funny pictures

If can honestly say you would not fuck any of the girls in the jailbait picture then I will call you a homo. They are all just dying to put out. LOL at the moron in the last pic. "only done this once before"

Push it to the limit

I ended shit last night with the other chick I was hanging out with. It seemed like her friends and the bar were the most important things in her life, mostly the bar. It's not really a big deal because I was not that interested in her anyways. I went tanning today for the first time in probably at least a month. I played a little basketball, rollerbladed 5 miles, ran around the block. A friend that I do most of my biking and rollerblading with decided on a new cardio challenge of sorts. We both suck at running so were going to rollerblade then run, every week we will increase our running until we can run the distance around our subdivision that we normally rollerblade on. Running roughly 5 miles will be one hell of a challenge. The good news is that if I can train myself to run 5 miles all the training will transform my body beyond what I can imagine this moment. I have seen a guy that started to post pictures out of shape then every month he would take another picture to show his improvement. I wish I could find a link to that blog or webpage. I took some pictures of me shirtless today and basically I don't know if I really want to make them public. Lord only knows what photoshop and creativity could create. I need some more time to think before I act on this one. I have no problem showing my blog readers a naked skank I fucked, 2 naked skanks I fucked, etc. I will however state that with shoes on I weighed a whopping 203lbs at 6pm tonight. My goal is to get to 170lbs. I don't really care about the weight but rather my appearance. 170lbs seems to be a good weight for me though. I plan to live the single the life (really find it very confusing how people can date for so long). At this very second I feel like I would prefer a girl that is dumb as a rock with a smoking body than a cute girl with a good personality. Cougar hunting is something I have a feeling I will do this summer also. I fucked a 42 year old MILF from Birmingham a few years ago when she dialed my number by accident while I was at the bar playing Big Buck Hunter - Call Of The Wild. I got this mother of 2 naked within roughly 3 hours of meeting her. From what I hear from a very good source is that 28-34 year olds are the best to hunt for. So for now I will just keep trying to improve my appearance and stay single, and treat everything like it's my first profit, like I'm an intern.